Apathy as footballer no one's ever heard of moves for price of hospital

Some footballer, who even football fans have never heard of, has moved to the Premiership for a grotesque amount of money. Again.

The player in question, who is called something like Gabriel Jose Jesus Xavi Manibola or whatever, is either Spanish, Portuguese or Brazilian.

He has put pen to paper and signed for Manchester City. Or possibly Chelsea. One of those sorts of teams.

Diehard football fan, Tim Smith, shrugged his shoulders when asked about the new arrival.

“All I know is that he's from some hot country that is way nicer than this one. Also, come December he will probably be miserable.

“He's not in Championship Manager. And I loaded a game with the full database. I can only assume whoever signs him will know all about the lad.

"It's not as if a Premiership team would waste millions on transfer fees.”

It is unclear how much Manibola will earn per week, but rest assured the same figure would maintain a hospital for several months. Which is fine, somehow.

Some believe he could be the next big thing to hit the Premiership.

However, it is more likely he will be immediately loaned out to a Dutch team and never heard of again, until he pops up five years later with a last minute winner against England.