Channel 5 has replaced its entire schedule of high quality content, such as 'Bargain Loving Brits in the Sun' and 'When Extreme Badgers Attack with Susan Calman', in favour of awful American Christmas films.
Low budget movies like 'The Ninja's Christmas Promise' and 'An Ooey Gooey Fudgy Wudgey Christmas Story' will now run on the channel twenty-four hours a day until the new year.
Despite the films being poorly written, directed, scored, acted, lit, choreographed, structured and shot, they have somehow found three unique audience types.
The first group are those so miserable and beaten down that they will watch any old guff to distract themselves from the abject horror that is 2021.
The second group are lazy-arse layabouts who will watch any old shit, if it means not having to engage with the real world.
The third group are weepy idiots - the type who got all upset when Princess Diana died. These people will start sobbing at even the most hacky and emotionally manipulative plot lines.
Steven Salisbury, head of scheduling at Channel 5, recently stated, "It's certainly an exciting time here at the channel. We've not had audience engagement like this since horny dads tuned into our softcore porn films in the late 90s.
"We've just bought the rights to show a trilogy of films about a Christmas puppy who travels back in time to save Jesus or Santa or something. Great stuff!
"And there's one about a husband who dies of cancer but loves his wife so much that he comes back to life only for Christmas day. That'll have the simpleton demographic in floods of tears.
"Ok, so these movies aren't exactly 'Home Alone' or 'Gremlins' but why serve up wagyu steak when your customers want Pot Noodles?"
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