COVID gets its head kicked in by harder germs at kids' soft play

COVID-19 has met its match in the form of a bunch of bigger, meaner germs from a children's soft play centre.

The illness, which has killed millions and destroyed economies, has had "the shit kicked out of it and its spike proteins stolen" by some rough microbes from a ball pit, scientists say.

Boffins at Ike University observed how COVID-19 droplets reacted to being placed in the most toxic environment on earth: a local Cheeky Chimps soft play.

Dr Steven Stevens, who headed up the research team, observed how the virus was decimated by the germs from the ball pit.

"It was like that bit in 'Lord of the Rings' where Gandalf and his pals come charging down that hill to batter some orks. They served up an absolute doing."

He added:

"It's first time I've seen a virus cry."

Infants are less affected by COVID than adults, and it is believed that chucking them in a cesspool of germs most weekends has helped build an immunity.

However, it has been urged that adults should not attempt to self-medicate by entering ball pits, after a 30 year-old man was found facedown at Mad Monkeys soft play in Dundee.

Police say the man had been suffering from a dry cough and temperature and broke into the soft play in an attempt to cure himself.

However, he died instantly after his immune system was overwhelmed by a vicious brew of germs and gross sticky stuff that was hopefully chocolate.