Dinner in a Morrisons cafe and other uniquely depressing British ways to dine

From Madrid to Mumbai, foreign foodies look to our shores with envy. That last sentence is, of course, horseshit. British people have managed to create some of the most joyless ways to break bread. Here is a rundown of the most grim:

Dinner in a Morrisons cafe

Or any supermarket for that matter. Supermarkets are not a place to dine. Buy your frozen pizza and get out as quickly as possible. Nobody goes to Morrisons for the ambiance. Especially because it's usually soundtracked by Gary fucking Barlow's greatest hits.

Supermarket cafe food is of course a bleak affair: a tiny serving of fish and chips served on a massive white plate for some reason; a microwaved full English or maybe a roast dinner that a starving greyhound would turn their nose up at.

Cheese sandwich on a park bench

It was the British who invented eating a dry, limp cheese sandwiches on a park bench in the late 1950s, probably. It's been a staple for dreary, lonely folk who do weird things like feed the ducks ever since. It's an experience for people who have never left their home town and still live with their mum.

Drunkenly staggering home with a kebab in the rain

Favored by those who went too hard at the 2-for-1 happy hour and need something to help them throw up.

The doner meat and chips will be guzzled with a blank sort of joy, akin to something out of Attack on Titan. However, the salad will be periodically dropped on the pavement, leaving a trail like Hansel and Gretel got mullered on Bacardi Breezers. Handy if you get food poisoning and want to retrace your steps to find the offending takeaway.

School Dinners

British school dinners used to conjure up images of bangers and mash followed by enormous helpings of custard with some sort of jammy cake. However, social justice warriors have ruined all that and kids these days are served lentil soup that has all the calories and taste of a sock.

School dinners should be avoided unless you're rich enough to educate your kids privately where they will dine on foie gras goujons and roasted pigeon McNuggets.