Local porker Simon Stevens has vowed to lose a chunk of flab for his summer holiday this year; despite knowing full well that the fitness plan he found online is complete horseshit.
Mr Stevens raved, "This plan is brilliant. It focuses on rewards for hard work."
After digging out some moth-eaten five-a-side shorts and an ill-fitting Limp Bizkit t-shirt, he drove five minutes to the local park, completing a personal best of nine pushups before calling it a day and heading to Greggs.
He added, "Next session, I'll do ten push-ups and have a steak bake and a fudge doughnut.
"Then it's cheat day, so I'm allowed three Big Macs for breakfast."
Post-workout, Mr Stevens managed the gruelling walk up to his second floor flat without stopping to catch his breath, and reward himself with twelve cans of lager and a kebab.
After spending the next morning vomiting until his stomach hurt, he continued with his new system.
"I obvs had to replenish all of the vitamins, minerals and chilli sauce I lost after the puke session. Plus the vomming gave my abs a good workout so I rang Domino’s for a reward.
"Every year I try to get fit for my summer holiday and every year I look like an albino beached whale.
"This year, with some hard work and a well thought out fitness plan, I'll look like Liam Helmsworth.
"Although, if I'm being honest, I'd settle for fat Thor."
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