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Writer's pictureM.J Hughes

New dad horrified after catching his haggard reflection for first time in three weeks

New dad horrified after catching his haggard reflection for first time in three weeks

Sleep deprived Toby Swelter, whose wife gave birth recently, finally caught a glimpse of his beaten down, pallid reflection yesterday.


Caught up in the constant cycle of 3 a.m. nappy changes, bottle feeds and quietly crying in the shower, he had forgotten that looking in a mirror is a thing that people sometimes do.


Initially, he thought that he was staring at an aged, malnourished vagrant who had broken into his house.


Swelter once took pride in his appearance: going to the gym three times a week, eating well and styling his hair in such a way as to hide his receding hairline.


However, according to Swelter, the arrival of his first child has "blown that all to shit."


He went on to expand on his new look.


"The bags under my eyes look like screaming portals to hell. My skin is the colour of porridge and it hurts to go out in the sun. I've broken out in spots because my diet now purely consists of Maryland cookies and Nescafe.


"I'm pretty sure this is just a phase. It's definitely just a phase, right? Like it'll probably be over in a week or two. Please God, no more than a week or two!"


Swelter was asked how his wife was coping with being a new mum.

"I don't know. We don't talk anymore. When we're in the same room, we just stare quietly into the distance questioning our life choices."

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