The government has announced punitive measures for those who insist on eating apple cores. From tomorrow, the act will result in a two year prison sentence because eating an apple core is rank and weird.
Depraved freak and apple core eater Darren Deco has spoken out in favour of the filthy habit.
"I love the texture of an apple core. It's like eating a delicious bike chain."
However, Ronda Richards from pressure group FACE (Fu*k Apple Core Eaters) says that while she welcomes the changes to the law, they do not go far enough.
"These people don't deserve to see the light of day ever again. As far as I'm concerned, they can go back to where they came from, which I presume is Hell.
"There are certain things that you just don't do in public: eating apple cores, spitting on the ground or breast feeding in a Wetherspoons.
"Imagine I was stood here with a KFC Bargain Bucket and I just started gobbling down the whole thing, bones and all. You'd quite rightly call 999.
"Furthermore, it is imperative that we support the victims of this crime. Anyone who has witnessed someone eating an apple core should be offered therapy, after they've stopped dry heaving.
"Also, I'm aware that the name of our group (Fu*ck Apple Core Eaters) could be misconstrued. We're working on that. I do not condone engaging in coitus with these sick weirdos."
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