
NEWSISH
Journalism at it's finest

Dad wants son to know just enough self-defence so that he can pull out still beating heart of bully
Local dad Harry Harvey has revealed plans to send his first born son to, "one of those ninja schools that teaches you how to rip...

Channel 5 showing terrible Christmas films from now on
Channel 5 has replaced its entire schedule of high quality content, such as 'Bargain Loving Brits in the Sun' and 'When Extreme Badgers...

Man quits family to spend more time with Football Manager
Ryan Roland, a call centre worker from Linlithgow, will step down from being a husband and father in order to pursue his first true love:...

No way tubby co-worker did London Marathon
Office worker Simon Smith has let it be known to anyone who is willing to listen that he completed the London Marathon. However, not a...

Middle-aged man has face mask hanging from one ear like total badass
A middle aged man has turned heads after he was spotted swaggering around with a face mask hanging from one ear. Steven Spondle, 47, was...

COVID gets its head kicked in by harder germs at kids' soft play
COVID-19 has met its match in the form of a bunch of bigger, meaner germs from a children's soft play centre. The illness, which has...

Mum gets hair wet in swimming pool, goes berserk
A mum has let fly an expletive laden rant at her husband and child after they accidentally splashed her in a Center Parcs swimming pool....

Joe Rogan awarded honourary doctorate for work in field of Covid
Comedian and podcaster Joe Rogan has been awarded a top honour from Yale University for his dedicated work in the field of coronavirus....

Man who claims to “thrive off pressure” totally deluded
Matthew Mantle, who has reached the dizzying heights of middle management for a high street retail company, claimed that he loves his job...

New dad horrified after catching his haggard reflection for first time in three weeks
New dad horrified after catching his haggard reflection for first time in three weeks Sleep deprived Toby Swelter, whose wife gave birth...

World record time to find shoes broken by Sports Direct worker
The time it takes to find shoes for a customer to try on has been smashed by Sports Direct employee Kyle Kennedy. The previous record of...

Shite ex-popstar now in hit musical
That musical that your girlfriend is dragging you to see will have a shite, once popular singer in it. The singer, who came third in Pop...

Situation worsens for NHS workers as 'special' Liam Gallacher gig gets go-ahead
NHS workers have been dealt yet another bitter blow after it was announced that the ex-Oasis singer has only delayed, rather than...

Apathy as footballer no one's ever heard of moves for price of hospital
Some footballer, who even football fans have never heard of, has moved to the Premiership for a grotesque amount of money. Again. The...

Man recreates music festival 'vibe' by smearing shit all over bathroom then passing out in garden
Thousands of music fans have been left bereft as coronavirus impacts festivals for another year. However, some punters have chosen to...

"Never a penalty!" says Roy Keane after player decapitated in box
ITV football pundit Roy Keane has dubbed modern footballers "pathetic" after a player in last night's big match had his head kicked clean...
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